


The Way You Taught Me

by miera



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 09:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11010630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miera/pseuds/miera
Summary: Oliver's thoughts immediately following the season 5 finale.





	The Way You Taught Me

**Author's Note:**

> Though this fic deals with grieving, it takes place in the couple of hours immediately following the end of "Lian Yu" so there's no death in the story beyond what actually happened on screen. I'm also convinced that the core characters will all survive, but YMMV.

A tremor goes through William's body. It snaps Oliver out of the frozen horror that's taken hold of him while he stares at the inferno consuming Lian Yu. 

"Oliver? My mom…" William is also staring at the flames, one small hand holding on to the edge of Oliver's coat.

"I don't know," he says truthfully. He can't bring himself to lie to his son in this moment. Fear for everyone is sitting heavily in his chest. He forces himself to find something else to say. "But she was with my friends." He puts his hands on William's shoulders and bends down to look the boy in the eyes. "And if anyone could get out of there, it's them. They'll keep your mom safe." _If they're alive, if they escaped the explosions somehow._ He doesn't say that part out loud. 

"We're gonna go look for her, right?" 

"Absolutely." His brain is trying to come back online, making a list of the most likely places to search, where Slade and Diggle might have moved everyone, but then he looks toward the controls of the boat and stops. 

Chase's corpse is lying against the steering column. 

He doesn't want his son to see this. 

"William, why don't you keep an eye on the shoreline while I turn us around, okay? Look in the water, near the shore. Someone may have waded out into the water to stay away from the fire." 

"Okay." To Oliver's immense relief, the possibility of spotting his mom keeps William's eyes glued to the island while Oliver approaches the corpse.

Despite the hole in Adrian's skull, Oliver checks for a pulse quickly. It's not a merciful impulse; Oliver wants to be certain the sadistic fucker is really dead. There's nothing. He does reach up automatically, intending to close Chase's eyes, then stops. He didn't kill Adrian Chase. He didn't break that vow and didn't let this bastard win. But he's not going to exert himself for the scumbag who tortured him and tried to kill his family. 

He's sure as hell not going to waste effort on burying him.

He pitches the body over the side of the boat in a swift move, watching as it sinks – open-eyed but face-down – into the cold water. Oliver's eyes catch on something lumpy clinging to the edge of the boat where the blood spatter from Adrian's suicide is. He knows, immediately, what it is, and his stomach turns over. Memories from ten minutes and ten years ago collide. 

Brain tissue. The lump amid all the blood, it's brain tissue.

Oliver lurches forward, holding on to the side of the boat, fighting the bile rising in his throat as his father's death flashes once more before his eyes. 

"Ol-Oliver?" 

He draws in a deep breath through his nose. He can't freak out right now. He has to keep William safe. He wills the urge to vomit away. "I'm okay. Just seasick." So much for not lying, but William's been through enough without hearing about how his grandfather _committed suicide in front of his father_ right now. "I'm going to start the boat and turn us around. Hold on, okay?"

A glance confirms William is bracing himself, so Oliver gets the boat moving and slowly turns them back toward the island. 

They search for an hour or so, but there are no signs of anyone near the shoreline or in the water, and night is falling rapidly. Oliver knows Lian Yu. There are dangerous reefs near the shore, hard to see in daylight. At night it would be impossible, and he can't risk the boat. It's their only shelter and the only safe place they have. He considers for a moment shedding his leathers and trying to swim for land but abandons the idea almost immediately. It would mean leaving William alone and that's not going to happen right now. The search will have to wait until morning.

He explains as much to William, who looks upset but doesn't say anything. 

For now he checks out the small cabin of the boat. There are benches around the edge, and a backpack containing some bottles of water and granola bars, including some empty bottles and wrappers. "He left that with me," William explains from the doorway. The poor kid must have been locked away in here for a while. At the least, they have some water and food to get them through the night. 

Tiredness settles over him. Shelter, food, water, relative safety – it’s the best they can hope for under the circumstances. "We should settle in for the night, get some rest." 

William is still outside the door of the cabin. "I just… I, um, I gotta…" 

Oliver frowns, taking in the way the boy is shifting from one foot to the other. It takes him a ridiculously long time to realize what the problem is. "Oh. Is there a-"

Yep. On one end of the cabin there's a tiny bathroom. Oliver steps out of the way. William darts past him but stops. "Don't close the cabin door, please?"

He has no idea why this matters, but it's not like Oliver is going to argue. "I won't. I'll be right here." Which is probably a stupid thing to say. William has been going to the bathroom alone for years, but it seems to reassure the kid, so he instead focuses on putting his bow down and unstrapping the quiver. He'll keep them close for the night but it's a relief to stretch his back. He doesn't recover from things like this as quickly as he used to. 

When William emerges, Oliver follows an impulse. "Can you stand guard while I…?" He gestures to the bathroom. Again, it's probably silly, but William straightens up, like he's trying to stand tall, and nods. Anything that distracts the boy from thinking about his mother or Chase is a good thing.

Once he's done, he unzips his jacket and sits down on the bench. "Come on, we should eat something." 

William obediently sits down next to him and takes a granola bar, making a face about it but not saying anything. They chew in silence. Oliver can't think of what to say. He watches out of the corner of his eye to ensure William finishes the bar and drinks about half a bottle of water. His anxiety spikes. Should he make him drink more? Do children need more fluids than adults? 

Concern for William wars with a need to conserve their supplies. There's no telling when they'll find a supply of clean water. 

Oliver rubs a hand over his face. One problem at a time.

It's full dark outside now, but the conflagration is illuminating the night. Even the fire can't stop the chilly wind coming over the water, though. They need to conserve what little heat they have. 

He gets up, heading for the doorway. "We should probably close the cabin door. It's going to get really cold overnight."

"No!" William yells, making Oliver jump. His head shakes back and forth violently. "Don't! Don't close it. It locks from the outside! We'll be trapped!"

Oliver curses at himself. He pivots back to William, hands raised. "It's okay, William! It's okay. I won't close the door."

But the boy is shaking, tears spilling down his cheeks. Oliver knows the dam has burst. The poor kid has been through a lot in the last few days. He sits back down, aching to pull William into his arms but now afraid to do so. He doesn't know if it would be welcome right now. 

Thankfully, as soon as he puts a hand on William's back, he turns toward him and Oliver is able to pull him close. He lets William cry, rubbing one hand over his back. Words are spilling out of his mouth. He has no real idea what he's saying, but he wants to reassure his son that they're okay, that he's not alone. 

He'll never leave his boy alone again, no matter what has happened to the others. Oliver is certain of that now.

Eventually the sobs fade. William sniffles a few times, then Oliver hears him whisper. "I'm sorry." 

"You don't have to be sorry," he says immediately. "It's okay to be upset." 

William hunkers down further. "I tried to get out. I tried to get the lock to open, then I tried to open the windows, but I couldn't." 

_He is definitely your son_. Oliver can practically hear Felicity's voice in his head. "It's okay," he repeats. "I'm sure the windows are sealed shut. And that lock is pretty big." He stops himself from offering to teach William to pick a lock in some desperate attempt to offer reassurance. He can offer something else, though. "But you know what?"

William finally leans back enough to look up at him. "What?"

"Even if the door shuts and locks? I can still get us out of here." He grins as he says it, his expression more than a little cocky.

The boy's eyes go wide, looking from the green leather to Oliver's muscles to the quiver of arrows sitting on Oliver's other side. "Right! You have the arrows that blow up! You could blow the door open." Oliver's smile expands, but William wriggles away from him, still staring. "My dad is the Green Arrow." 

His smile falters at that, but it's far, far too late to keep that secret. 

William misinterprets his unease. "Um, you are my dad, right? He, Chase, he said so, but…"

"Yeah, I am." Relief hits him at being able to be honest, but he knows there are going to be about a thousand questions coming. "And I'm so, so sorry that I didn't tell you earlier. I was trying to keep you and your Mom safe. That's why I was staying away." 

"Guess it didn't work, though, huh."

Oliver flinches but he doesn't say anything. William has every reason to pull some attitude right now, and he's not interested in getting into a fight. "No, not really," he concedes. "I know we have a lot to talk about, and we will, once we get out of here, okay?"

"You're not gonna disappear again?"

"No." It's a promise as much as it is an answer. 

"Okay." 

Relieved, Oliver takes off his green jacket and tucks William against his side, the coat spread over both of them. William fingers the leather. "Did you know the other one? The Arrow that went to jail?"

It takes a moment for Oliver to remember what William means. Roy's sacrifice, two years ago now, and that to most people, there has been more than one man under the hood. He imagines, for a moment, Roy meeting William, and is not sure whether that would be more funny or frightening. "Yeah, I knew him." 

"Cool," William whispers, more to himself than to Oliver. 

"Try to sleep, okay?"

It doesn't take long before William is sound asleep. Oliver simply watches him for a long time, everything that's happened churning through his mind even as he reminds himself that his son is safe.

Oliver stopped praying 10 years ago, but he asks God or fate or whatever may be out there to watch over the rest of his family. He has seen Felicity and Digg work their way out of impossible situations plenty of times, and they have Rory, Dinah and Curtis as well as Thea with them. And much as he has wished it was otherwise, in the decade Oliver has known Slade Wilson, the man has never died and actually stayed dead. He's not ready to count any of them out yet.

But the odds are not good. He knows that as well. 

He thinks of Thea's smile, of Felicity's kisses, of John's reassuring voice in his ear. Tears begin to fill his eyes, because he may never have any of that again. 

_"How many more losses can Oliver Queen survive?"_ Adrian's taunt rings in his head. 

He stares at his sleeping son's face, knowing the answer that Chase never found. William was the loss Oliver couldn't have survived. Guilt wells up, because in truth he would have chosen William over everyone even if he hadn't found some other way to keep from killing Chase. No matter how much losing any of them would hurt, even Thea and Felicity, Oliver would have chosen William.

Adrian's ghost calls out to him, reminding him that he's a monster, bringing destruction to everyone he loves, but Oliver shakes his head slightly. 

All of them, every one of the people he left back there, would have told him to save William first. Even John and Rene, who had their own children to get home to, in this moment, with William's life at stake, they would have told Oliver to save his son. 

He understands now, to the depths of his soul, why Malcolm stepped on that land mine, and why Moira Queen put herself in front of the sword. Why Robert Queen pulled that trigger ten years ago.

Choosing his son does not make him a monster. It makes him a father. 

His parents loved him, but they were flawed people. Thinking about his father's death, and Slade's words earlier, Oliver closes his eyes and finally relinquishes the mission his father gave him – the _burden_ his father had put onto his shoulders, unasked. Oliver has already made mistakes with William. He needs to do better, to be better, from this moment on. He will sacrifice himself for his boy, but he will not make the same mistakes his father did. He will not make his son responsible for fixing his failures.

Sitting there in the dark, Oliver lets go of his old vow and makes a new one. 

_"I'll take care of him, Speedy. I'll try to be the father that… our fathers never managed to be. He'll be safe, and he'll be loved. I won't leave him a legacy that will burden him._

_I'll do my best to make sure he's happy, Samantha. As happy as he can be._

_He'll know your son, John. And hopefully Rene's daughter. I'll look after them both, and Lyla._

_I'll make sure Joe is all right, Slade._

_And Sara._ He promises that to Quentin, then to Nyssa, as there is not much else he could offer to do for her. Their marriage was never binding, much less wanted, but she has proved in the last two days that she deserves to be thought of as family, if not blood. 

He flounders a bit, thinking of Curtis.

_"I'll tell Paul that you were trying to save my son. That may not help, but at least he'll know why you were willing to take so many risks. And Dinah, I'll tell your family that you died a hero, and a cop."_

That leaves one last person, and Oliver doesn't know what to promise her until the words tumble out of his mouth. This promise he feels like he must speak aloud, even if his voice is low so as not to wake the sleeping child in his arms.

"I'll live, Felicity. I won't just survive. I'll live and I'll try… I'll try to live the way you taught me was possible."

He wipes the tears from his face and kisses the top of William's head. He closes his eyes and lets the rocking of the boat lull him to sleep.


End file.
